updated:
04/07/03
19 October 1994
Dippy, My Dog
There is no way I could tell you all you don't want to know about Dippy. Dippy is not your general run of dog. Dippy thinks he is people. That is not too unusual when you figure my neighbor has a cat named Woof who thinks he is a dog.
Well, Dippy sits on the front porch in the dark hours of the morning waiting on the paper. When the paper thrower with perfect aim flips the bad news under my pickup truck, Dippy crawls under there and retrieves it, trots proudly up the steps, drops the paper in front of the door and lays on it until old bleary eyes (me) opens the screen door to bring it in and begin the day with tons of other people's troubles and a cup of coffee.
That sounds good, but it is a lie. Dippy sits on the paper - true. But he doesn't give it up as easily as it sounds. First, he must have his reward. If I have forgotten to bring his Dog Crunchy I might get my hand lightly crunched as I reach for the paper.
When I haven't forgotten his treat I stand on the front porch in my robe, say nice good morning things to him and throw the Crunchy in the yard.
But you know Woof (the cat who thinks he is a dog) is lurking under the shrub. As Dippy leaps from the porch, Woof dashes from under the bushes. In spite of Dippy's sixty pounds and fleetness of foot he never seems to beat the cat. But he likes it that way.
Now he has both a cat and a Crunchy to chase. And man does he chase. Bye and bye the cat will drop the purloined goodies and Dippy, frothing at the mouth, will pick out the same warm spot next to the bush where Woof has been laying and chew and chew. He considers this a good start on the day. I wonder who I could chase and what I could chew on to start my day off right?
Woof the Cat.
My neighbor's cat Woof really does think he is a dog. Not only does he act a little bit like a dog but he even gives his interpretation of something which sounds like a bark. It comes out somewhat like "muff, muff."
When the kids get home from school Woof is sitting under a cactus plant in a neighbor's yard where the bus stops. There are six kids who get off at that stop and Woof knows which ones like him and which ones like to torment him.
As the kids cross the road in front of the bus Woof will stalk out from under the cactus, fur all a fluff and standing on end. He bounces toward them sideways, like he is trying to pick a fight. Then he will "muff" at them.
When one of the tormentors takes the bait, Woof takes off just out of reach until he gets in front of my place. Then he "muffs" until Dippy starts chasing him and back through the pack of kids he goes.
The kids who torment him are now faced with Woof and a wildly charging Dippy. A big English Bulldog looks quite mean when he is in full gallop, ears flopping and blowing foam at every breath. The kids now become bowling pins until Woof comes to rest in the arms of his favorite little girl who rubs his head and Woof the cat begins to sound like a motorboat.
I must now rush into the bathroom, shave, shower and put on some respectable clothes because in about ten minutes the mothers of the little tormentors will be knocking at the door.
I have been threatened, promised divine justice, given that funny finger sign and called many uncivilized names. Once I was even called out to meet a daddy in the street. Lucky for me, Dippy was out there on the porch and the daddy fled rapidly when I flipped a Crunchy at his feet.
Last Week
Last week the police came to visit, mostly because of Dippy's reputation among the children, a few of the parent's complaints, and of course, his fierce looks. Sometimes I think Dippy really is people. He walked out to meet the policeman, wagged his tail, gave a little bark, which sounded more like Woof's "muff" and would you believe it? Dippy licked the policeman's shoe. "What's his name?" he asked. "Does he bite?"
"Dippy? No. He is such a teddy bear." I lied. "What can I do for you, Officer?"
The policeman by this time is petting Dippy on the head being careful to avoid the foam leaking from his mouth. And Dippy is acting like the policeman has a Crunchy in his pocket. "Been getting a few complaints about your dog. Is this your only dog? He doesn't seem especially mean to me."
"Dippy never hurt anyone." I am getting use to this lying business. "Some of the parents scare their children saying Dippy will eat them alive. When Dippy sees the kids get off the bus he runs out to meet them and they run off screaming." Notice I didn't mention Woof's part in all this.
"One man says you siced your dog on him."
"No. I didn't do that. The man was saying some nasty things. When he stepped into the yard Dippy went out to meet him, I would say friendly like. The man took off like Dippy was going to eat him alive. I honestly don't know if Dippy would bite anyone or not. I don't think he ever has. Now if someone tried to harm me I like to think he would come to my defense."
"Your neighbor says your dog chases her cat."
"He does. They play a lot together. Wait I will show you." I got a Crunchy from the house and showed it to Dippy. He foamed at the mouth, wagged, jerked around, barked and peed on the sidewalk. I threw the Crunchy toward the bush Woof stays under. As certain as dawn follows dark, Woof jumped out and beat Dippy to the Crunchy. They ripped and romped for about five minutes while the policeman and I laughed ourselves silly. Finally, as usual, Woof stopped under his bush. Dippy stopped next to him and they lay down about two feet apart. Dippy picked up his crunchy and after salivating and chewing on it, a piece broke off and Woof snaked it up and began chewing too.
After the policeman left I took two Crunchies and threw both of them out on the lawn. Woof grabbed one and Dippy grabbed the other. They stood there for at least a minute just looking at each other. Finally, Dippy dropped his Crunchy and Woof took off running like mad with a happy Dippy, foaming at the mouth in hot pursuit.
The next morning when I went out for the paper, Dippy
was laying on it like always. I glanced out in the yard and last night's
Crunchy was still laying on the lawn.