The Adventures of God

God's Blog
News Reports from Around the Globe

The 11th Commandment: Thou Shalt Not Lie

2003 May 4: In New Hampshire a famous rock face which had the image of an old man, called "The Old Man of the Mountain", collapsed. According to Mike Pelchat, a state parks official "We always thought it was the hand of God holding him up, and he let go." So God finally gave up on New Hampshire and relaxed his hand! It is not clear why God did this, as a lot of people are upset and insurance rates for the entire state may go up as a result. God was not available for comment.

2003 May 12: Last week God was unable to locate the Al Qaeda members despite ripping through the US Mid West with tornados. He tore off Church roofs, where they might have been hiding, but did not find them. Since it was an act of God, no insurance company will cover it. (On April 12, 1998 God destroyed or damaged ten churches in Birmingham Alabama.) We report here for the first time that it was all a big mistake. God meant to go to the Mid East but accidentally went to the Mid West. As no one dares tell him, the tornados are expected to continue.

2003 May 12: Today we learn that God told a Texas woman to kill her sons. Following the traditions of all religions, she obeyed. Like Abraham, she is not guilty and should be released from prison!

2003 May 26: More than 2000 people died from an earthquake in northern Algeria on May 22. (MSNBC, PTD, MSNBC, CBSNEWS, Washington Post ) One man survived. "It was almost a miracle. He was unscathed," said Toshimitsu Ishigure, director of the Japanese Overseas Disaster Assistance. Hakim Derradji reports that during the earthquake, "The women screamed, the children cried, people yelled, `God is Great!' It was horrible, it was like we had been bombed." In a private interview it was learned that God is pleased by this acknowledgment of his careful work, but he admitted that the single reported miracle survival was a mistake. "Everybody there was supposed to die, but I messed up. As the Loizeau family has shown, demolition is still an art." (See also www.pitt.edu/~bdobler/discovery/implosion.html.) However, God was somewhat annoyed with President Bush who said "Our prayers are for the victims, their families, and the entire Algerian nation". God explained that he really doesn't like it when people petition him like that. "Look, I might have messed up one bit, but the rest was completely intentional, so bug off Mr. Bush, ok?" God said. He continued, saying "Besides, I really don't have much respect for people who violate their own codes of conduct. Mr. Bush is always trying to break down the separation of church and state. If he does this much more, I'll kick him out and install a Muslim cleric."

2003 May 27: CNN reports that former priest Siegfried F. Widera, jumped out of a window and died yesterday. He was accused of sexual misconduct in the United States and escaped to Mazatlan, Mexico, where he was cornered by police. According to God, since Widera was already falling, God just let the momentum carry him the rest of the way down.

2003 June 4: According to CNN protesters in Israel are objecting to the Mideast peace plan. One sign says

"Mr. Bush Mr. Sharon BEWARE to DIVIDE OUR LAND IS TO DEFY GOD

God was quite annoyed by this, saying "Where did they get that? I didn't talk to that person! Shame on them for pretending to know what I'm thinking!!" *

2003 June 11: Twila Van Leer reports "World turmoil is backdrop for talks: President Hinckley cites examples of justifiable conflict" (Monday April 7, 2003 Deseret News, Salt Lake City, Utah). God was outraged by this statement by Gordon B. Hinckley, President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints:

"I believe that God will not hold men and women in uniform responsible as agents of their governments in carrying forward that which they are legally obligated to do. It may even be that he will hold us responsible if we try to impede or hedge up the way of those who are involved in a contest with forces of evil and repression."`

"I said Thou Shalt Not Kill! What part of that is unclear to Mr. Hinckley?" God shouted, alternatively causing snow, rain and sunshine to signal his frustration. "Don't you get it? The Crusades were a bad thing!!!!" His signals, though noted in the article, were ignored. Later, in a calmer mood, God grumbled "Where do these people get the idea that they can put words in my month? Shame, Shame, Shame on them for pretending to know what I'm thinking!!" *

• See The Onion's interview with God on the Don't Kill Rule.

2003 June 15: Missing boy remains found (CNN June 15, 2003). The father, Allyn Atadero told KMGH-TV "I can go home now, look up to the heavens and be excited that my son is there instead of looking up to the heavens and questioning where he is." When asked about this statement, God shook his head sadly and said "Why is it that my messanger Copernicus is still being ignored? To coin a word, perhaps we should call them ignor-ants."

2003 August 10: Today the Pope attempted to bribe God into causing rain in Europe (CNN August 10, 2003). God's reply was: "I don't take demands or bribes from you! Who do you think you are, anyway? Why don't you actually do something instead of sitting around mumbling to yourself? For example, you could send a letter to Resident Bush asking him to stop supporting the oil industry (fat chance, pardon the pun) and to get on with replacing oil with other sources of energy. You had better do it quick, as you are causing global warming and before long you will turn earth into Hell! It is your responsibility to keep your planet in good condition, not mine!"

2003 September 2: (CNN Sep 2, 2003). On the eve of his execution, Murder-Minister Paul Hill said today "The sooner I am executed ... the sooner I am going to heaven, ... I expect a great reward in heaven. I am looking forward to glory. I don't feel remorse. More people should act as I have acted." God was OUTRAGED. You are an utter fool! You used the Bible to justify murder. Well I have to admit, you can justify anything with that trash of a book, and I have said it clearly before: murder is not a nice thing to do! Think you are going to heaven, Enh? Think again bubba! there is no heaven, there is no hell, there is only nothing. You wasted your life! FURTHERMORE Abe Bonowitz's statement that 'We're very concerned that Paul Hill's call for violence may be picked up by any person to whom God speaks.' is just dumb. I don't speak to anyone except you reporters. Besides, this statement implies that religious people are violent which, well, they are! As if we didn't need more horrible examples, Paul Hill proved it!"

2003 September 19: (CNN Sep 16, 2003). After being pontiff for 25 years, Pope John Paul II said "He (God), while knowing my human fragility, encourages me to respond with faith ... and he invites me to assume the responsibilities that he himself has entrusted to me." CNN interpreted this as the pope saying that God wants him to stay. We met God and drank green tea with him. When we mentioned this quote, he turned red and said: "Oops, I forgot invite him to tea. Come to think of it, I always forget to invite him. Why should I anyway? He's just a person, I didn't entrust him with any responsibilities. He picked them himself." God sighed. "Sure wish he wouldn't put words in my mouth. But anyway, this tea is good, don't you think?"

2003 Nov 1: (CNN Oct 20, 2003). Pope John Paul II beautified Mother Teresa. To make Mother Teresa a saint they were required to find a miracle, so they apparently SCROUNGED AROUND, scraped the barrel, and found one case. According to another CNN article (Oct 17, 2003), the miracle turns out to be one that is probably understood with current science. Tuburculosis apparently can produce tumors, curing the disease by killing the bacteria removes the tumors. In this case, a lady had lost her tumor. But it turns out that she had turberculosis and was on drugs for it - then the tumor receeded. So there is probably a perfectly natural explanation which is far simpler than a miracle. This was ignored because they wanted to beautify her, it was a good political move. In other words, they LIED about what happened, suppressed the facts and went ahead. While the full story has not come out on this, it is clear from all the sex scandals that lying and hiding facts is widespread in the church. According to CNN, "... the doctor who first diagnosed Besra, says the church should not push Besra's case because it was medication, not a miracle that cured her. It is scientifically proven that the tumor that she had was linked to tuberculosis," he said. "And it responded to an anti-tubercular drug." Here is an example from the scientific literature:

Case: A 28-year-old turkish man presented with an acute loss of vision of his left eye. He showed an amelanotic double-peaked choroidal tumor that was surrounded by a detachment of the retinal pigment epithelium (RPE) including the macula. The visual acuity was 0.1. The patient had a triple tuberculostatic therapy due to an abdominal lymph node tuberculosis with miliarisation for 3 months. During this drug therapy he developed pulmonary caverns and a choroidal tumor that was 8.5 x 8.0 mm in base and 3.0 mm in prominence. Fluorescein angiography did not show any tumor vessels. Continuing the tuberculostatic drug therapy the tumor and the detachment of the RPE regressed and visual acuity increased accordingly. After one year a choroidal scar remained and visual acuity was 1.0 again.
--- 98th Annual Meeting DOG 2000, P 690, Amelanotic choroidal tumor as a manifestation of tuberculosis, P. Frank, K.-M. Kreusel, L. Krause

We enquired about this situation to God. He turned purple and said "The pope is lying again!?!?!" In his anger, he dropped his cigarette and unfortunately this set off a huge fire in California. See also:

• google Ranjan Mustaphi
• in.news.yahoo.com

2003 Nov 1: (FrontPageMagazine.com, October 17, 2003) On January 2003 In Daytona Beach, Florida Major General William G. Boykin, commander of all the Army special forces worldwide, said "God has a plan for you. He has the plan and your job is to stay faithful and to get up everyday and put on that armor. Endure and wait to see what God has for you in this life. Endure!" God's response: "Again, I have no plan for you, you are responsible for your own life, get real! This is like spam. They keep hitting and hitting and they don't care if they are lying big time. What a disgusting situation that people accept lies told to them!" When asked about Boykin's statement that White House Resident Bush "was appointed by God" he said "No WAY!" God walked away, waving his hand "don't make me have a heart attack, dubya's not even legally president." See also:

• a personal report from the meeting
• a religious report from the meeting

2003 Nov 10:

TIME (Nancy Gibbs and Richard Stengel, 2003 Nov 9 "Oh, God, help me get through it") When asked why the Iraquis killed the others in her group but not her, she said "They could have. I don't know. God saved me. That's one of God's prayers, I guess." Any comment from God? He gave a big sigh. "The other guys prayed too, but the news papers didn't report that! Why do they only report half of the story? They only tell the story of the survivors!"

2004 June 8: The transit of Venus today across the face of the sun has been predicted for more than 100 years, a tribute to human understanding of the universe that quite clearly shows that there is no god guiding the planetary motions. Yet, as reported by (CNN) Zulkarnain Hassan of Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia told the Associated Press at the National Planetarium "Spectacles such this reinforce my belief that there is a Creator, and we are just tiny specks within this universe." Gods comment? `They never learn!'

2004 June 18: (CNN) reports that when Steven Oken was put to death, 'a death penalty supporter announced on a bullhorn, "Mr. Oken has met his maker," part of the crowd cheered and threw streamers into the air.' "That's disgusting," said God. "These people rejoice in the death of a whole human being but fight against destroying a blob of cells! Why, you destroy more cells when you cut your finger. They are inconsistent."

Up Next: More of God's Disasters in the Works! Stay tuned.

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